Rants: The Console Wars

So I got into an argument yesterday that I not only should've known better than to get into, but one I didn't WANT to get into and found myself in it anyway. Upon playing the new Super Street Fighter IV, which I really enjoy, a friend played and nearly immediately dismissed it as garbage because M. Bison's moves are not completely identical to how they are in Marvel vs. Capcom 2. It began as defense for the game - convincing to try other characters, counter-arguing with valid points, and so on. The problem is, an argument cannot be handled validly with a drunk man who "knows" a ten year old game is better because of one character's moveset. The defense ended up turning into pointless insults about each other and the games we were each defending - my excuses were that he had to have assists to win his battles because he couldn't do good enough on his own, and his excuses were that my mind couldn't "comprehend" a battle with more than one person at a time. Forget the fact he can't handle TvC while I can, and that I can play Brawl teams tournament style, can play Starcraft with multiple people (which I'll do my thoughts on the Starcraft II beta when I get the chance to play it), and one of my all-time favorite games is Team Fortress 2, which can become sixteen against sixteen.

My point of this article is not to slam my friend, because honestly shit like that didn't need to be said to one another. It is also not to insult Marvel vs. Capcom 2, because the game is a fun game and I have no issues with it personally. I'm merely mentioning this because as I had this argument with this drunken friend, it only reminded me of one thing, one thing that I've hated for years more than anything else, and that I still manage to find myself stuck in constantly: the Console Wars.


I couldn't have said it better myself...
Let's start by saying that I TRY to have a non-biased opinion in the Console Wars. It's really fucking hard when you don't own all three systems, which I hope to remedy someday, but I still try. And there's NEVER a winner until a system or company completely dies off. We'll miss you, Dreamcast...

Let's get down to business though. I'll go over hacks and burns to each console that I hear the most, and not only attempt to counter point it, but further prove that these fanboy debates are completely fucking ignorant, and yet grown men STILL get into them constantly.


XBOX 360

"XBox sucks! They have so many problems, especially the Red Ring of Death!"
Many systems have issues. Sure, the RRoD is among the worst in gaming history, but it's not like this was the first time a system has ever mass malfunctioned. Look at the Playstation 2. I knew people that couldn't have theirs on the floor because they'd overheat, they'd have to elevate one side with a book or something in order for the disc to read, there were countless laser problems and disc tray problems, and then there were memory card problems that would either cause data to erase randomly or wouldn't save data at all. And then when the slim models came out, the additional power box in the first shipments would ignite and catch fire, burning up living rooms across the nation. I've yet to see an Xbox or Red Ring do that.

"I'd never get one, because they don't have (insert random franchise) on it!" or "I hate Xbox, why do they have to get (insert random title) too?! It belongs on PS3!!"
So what if XBox doesn't get Metal Gear Solid 4? There's plenty of other titles it's gotten, and plenty that weren't given to the PS3, like the first Dead Rising (though the rival console IS getting the sequel). The only worse argument is bitching about a title going from exclusive to multi-platform. Really? You're bitching because more people get to enjoy Tekken 6 or Final Fantasy XIII? Why are you fucking complaining? Because they should've shelled out extra money for the same console as you to enjoy it? Grow the fuck up!

"The 360 controller sucks!! The D-pad is atrocious!"
I understand the D-pad on the 360 is not good for fighting games. The PS3 controller is better for fighters, but the 360 controller is FAR better for shooters. Besides, most of you fighting game kids just buy the arcade stick anyway, which NO LONGER USES A D-PAD AND INSTEAD USES A JOYSTICK, WHICH THE 360 CONTROLLER HAS IN A BETTER POSITION THAN THE PS3 CONTROLLER DOES!! Fucking ignorant!


PLAYSTATION 3

"The PS3 doesn't have ANY good games on it!!"
News flash, this just in: Metal Gear Solid 4, Resistance, Killzone 2, Uncharted, and LittleBigPlanet, to name some off the top of my head, are no longer considered "good games."

"The PS3 only steals technology from (insert source)!"
This is NOTHING new. Nintendo created the N64 controller with analog stick, and then later added the Rumble Pak. Sony "stole" both ideas with the Dualshock controller, adding both features. Nintendo created a first party wireless controller using radio waves instead of infa-red, the Wavebird. Sony uses Bluetooth as its first party version of the same controller. Fuck, even shoulder buttons were used by Nintendo first. Now, the Playstation Move controller, looking like a near DIRECT version of the Wii remote, which Sony also took ideas from with the Sixaxis controller, using the tilting technology of the Wii remote. While this is nothing new, this same approach can be said of Microsoft, as the 360 controller has shoulder buttons, rumble, analog sticks, wireless capability, and will be using Project Natal for motion gaming, though the concept is much different from Nintendo and Sony.

"There's no backwards compatibility in the newer models!"
Nothing before the Playstation 2 had backwards compatibility. Stop being spoiled. While it's a luxury, it's not a necessity, and you can get a PS2 for cheap if you really need to play your PS2 and PS1 games again, even though we both know that you won't touch them again.



WII

"The Wii is for babies!"
Say that while playing MadWorld, Resident Evil 4 and Umbrella Chronicles, No More Heroes and its sequel, Dead Rising, Dead Space Extraction, and Mortal Kombat. Those are just a few M-rated titles, that's not including other gems like Tatsunoko vs. Capcom, the Metroid Prime Trilogy, Muramasa, Punch-Out, Okami, and Zelda's Twilight Princess, and that's just the beginning.

"The graphics are awful!!"
Good games aren't based on graphics alone. PaRappa the Rapper and Rhythm Heaven are a few examples. Sure, it may not look as nice as the 360 or PS3, but find a game on either system that can rival Super Mario Galaxy or Super Smash Bros Brawl in fun, nostalgic, replayable, and easily remembered and I will likely call you a liar. There are plenty of great games on all three systems, no matter how they look.

"The motion control is stupid!"
Can't really complain too much about that since the PS Move looks almost identical to a Wii Remote with a light bulb on top, and Natal will move to full body motion play. The PS3 also already had the Wii's tilting controls. It's something you're gonna have to live with, buddy.



Now, I didn't even GET into PC gamers and their elite abilities to shun the console crowd, because at times they can be even worse than console fanboys, but this is just an example of what I constantly hear, and what I get sick of not only explaining and defending, but of getting caught up in the whole mess to begin with. And it's been around for generations: PS2 vs. Cube vs. Xbox. PS1 vs. N64 vs. Saturn. SNES vs. Genesis. We've been hearing it for two decades, and sadly it's something we'll NEVER hear the end of...

War... War never changes...

Top Ten: Worst Conversation Situations While Gaming Online

We've all been there. Playing Modern Warfare, Halo, Team Fortress 2, hell, even Guitar Hero and Burnout Paradise, going online, and hearing the gutteral filth that spews out over your headset as you play. It's practically sickening, and even worse if you get caught up in it. I don't know about you guys, but I wanna go online to enjoy playing a video game, not argue over nonsensical bullshit. So let's give it up for the Top Ten things I could live without hearing online for the rest of my life.


I swear they're not talking about you, buddy...

10. Racial Arguments
Racial slurs should be unacceptable. We should get rid of them completely. By that, I don't mean each race is allowed to call themselves by that name, I mean entirely. Not to prevent someone from being offended - fuck that. They should be completely erased from human memory to prevent arguments and debates from people.

Now it's wrong for the words to be used, but they're going to get used. Especially online, behind a controller or keyboard where no one can hurt the offensive party. I do NOT wanna hear a black guy cuss out a white guy for using a word the black guy uses regularly and start a serious debate about it. I do NOT wanna hear an Italian man get pissed off at the use of the word "guido" and start ranting about it. I do NOT wanna hear a white person get offended because a bunch of people keep calling him a "crazy white crackuh" that will eventually have him resort to using "the N word," in which case a scenario already mentioned repeats itself. Besides, online, you're all voices heard over a microphone, there is no color. We're all people, fuck color, because I just wanna throw a grenade at you and wait for you to respawn before I put a bullet in your virtual head.


"Yeah, bitch! I showed you! I'mma destroy you all night, faggot!"

9. Talk of Skill
So you got a lucky sticky bomb kill, big deal. Stop hyping yourself up like you're going for the WWE Champsionship title next week. This is even WORSE if the person talking a big game ISN'T EVEN WINNING. Unless you're a regularly winning MLG player, which very most likely you are NOT, you are not impressive to anyone. I'm not saying congradulating yourself on a kill is bad, but claiming to be the best person playing or that the opponent had no chance of winning is absurd.

Besides, your verbal trolling will not only spur on everyone else to talk mad shit about their own skills, but will have everyone aiming at you. The only thing worse than this is when you go from third to last, and then make up excuses on why you lost. Just shut the fuck up to save us the trouble of having to go mute you.


This is how all these arguments should be handled. Game Fusion.

8. Game vs. Game
If you believe that Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is better than Street Fighter 4, PLEASE don't go online in Street Fighter 4 and voice your opinion about it. I guaran-goddamn-tee you they don't care, nor do they wanna hear you tell them about it. So you like Mario Kart more than Blur. If you like it so much, STOP PLAYING BLUR AND GO BACK TO PLAYING MARIO KART!

You are being a fucking troll. Stop it. No one likes you. So what if the controls are better in one game than another? If you like the controls of the other game, why the fuck would you being playing the "worse" of the two in order to tell people about it? Stop being a fucking douchebag.


I fucking HATE this topic...

7. Console vs. Console
This is one of my least favorite arguments of all time, and you'll see a Rant about the Console Wars soon enough. So you're trying out Resistance 2 online, and it feels great. I mean, not better than how Halo feels on the 360, but yeah, it feels great. Also, it's not great enough to tell everyone playing Resistance why their opinion on getting a PS3 sucks if they ever wanna play a decent shooter. Wait, what? Who the fuck cares if the PS3 controller has a better d-pad for fighters than the 360 version? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING THE 360 VERSION THEN?!!

There's the rare instance in which you MIGHT have a point. One such example would be mentioning the PC version of Team Fortress 2 is better than the console versions, for the simple fact that it gets updated and patched regularly, and unlockable weapons and hats along with new levels have been introduced. But when mentioning this, flaming all the "360/PS3 faggots that are stuck with this shitty version" is NOT necessary.


"Ugh, but all my other games are soooo far away...

6. Rather Be Elsewhere
"Man, I'd rather be playing Rock Band right now instead of this shit..." Then stop playing Lost Planet and start playing Rock Band, asshat. This once again falls under the category of "if you hate it why are you playing it" stupidity. I will never understand this.

In fact, why the fuck are you talking about playing other games instead of just PLAYING the other games?! Discussing another game, its fun factor, why you enjoy it... Shit, that's fine. If you'd rather play it, go play it. We're not stopping you.


Aww, it's a shame that according to gamers everywhere you'll NEVER be good at video games...

5. Girl Gamer Hatred
Now, this one I never understood. For many of these guys, it may be the one of the only chances they'll ever get to having a woman willingly talk to them. And yet, they do nothing but talk shit, either about girl gaming skills, about how ugly gaming girls are, or about how they belong in the kitchen. Sure, the last one's good for a few chuckles (except to feminists... bitches), but after twenty minutes, the "make me a sandwich, bitch" joke gets REALLY fucking old.

I think of all the girls I've known to really be into gaming, maybe one or two of them have been downright ugly. Sure, that sounds mean, but the point is that hot girls that play video games are hotter than regular hot girls. As for skill, MLG came through this area a few years back, and the Frag Dolls decided to stop by a local Gears of War tournament in a game store before their Halo matches the following day. They decimated everyone in the tourney, and a team of two of them ended up winning. But it's ok, you can talk big shit to gaming girls all you want. Doesn't change the fact you're sleeping alone again night after night.


Cat, stop playing your music while you play video games!

4. Online Night Club
Let me tell some of these kids something... You are not a DJ. Therefore, we do NOT want to hear whatever music you are listening to. If you would like to be a DJ, play some beatmania IIDX or some DJ Hero. Do not play the Halo Reach beta with a soundtrack the entire game can hear. Invest in some headphones.

What's worse, is when you have to hear a bunch of assholes trying to scream overtop of the guy playing music for him to shut it off. If you REALLY need to communicate with teammates, mute his ass. It's bad enough I have to hear his music, but you yelling at him over it for ten minutes doesn't make anything better, because you know he's not going to turn it off.


"How did he know what I look like?!

3. Assumption of Appearance
I can understand there being a dispute online. I can understand there can be insults online. But I'd like to make it perfectly clear right now - I'm a bit overweight, I have straight teeth, I am not sloppy, and I live in a house. If you don't have a New York accent while you play games, you are apparently an inbred redneck hick, living in a trailer, with crooked fucking buckteeth, beer belly, and sleep with a relative or farm animal.

Now, I don't really have a southern accent, much less a deep southern or Texan accent that would make one believe any of the above could possibly be true. But because someone doesn't have a stereotypical dialect of a certain country, race, or other stereotype like nerds or valley girls, you apparently get officially labeled as a white, American, redneck, worthless piece of shit. You don't know me, let's keep the insults to skill level and kill totals, please.


He's OBVIOUSLY not a democrat...

2. Political Debates
So this didn't seem to be that big of an issue during the Bush Administration, because it seemed most of the country equally hated him, especially amongst the younger gaming generation. But since the election, all you hear about is political debates, and it doesn't belong in video games. Just because you HAVE the freedom of speech doesn't mean you should always USE it.

Some people think Obama has brought change to our struggling nation. Some people think he's done absolutely nothing to help our country since getting into office. Some people want Sarah Palin to make her way back into the political scene. Some people would rather see her get eaten alive by a polar bear. Some people think Hillary is proving her worth in the White House. Some would rather see her publicly executed and have her head driven on a pike to be displayed to everyone passing by the D.C. area. Keep it to your fucking self, because I really just wanna play video games, not listen to two chumps that think they know anything about politics bicker with each other.


Where are your parents?! Get outta my game!!

1. Children
Yep, that grating sound of a ten-year-old's voice rings in at number one. And if it's not enough that they repeat themselves over and over and over to ensure everyone heard them, they get REALLY defensive at the first sign of an insult. This is when they show off their intense sixth grade vocabulary of "faggot," "mother fucker," and "shit face."

Sure, I can understand hearing them at 8:00pm while the babysitter isn't paying attention to them. But why should I hear a kid at 2:00am on a school night talking about someone sucking dicks as a job over an insult? Go the fuck to bed, kid! You have school tomorrow!!