Wishlist: Kinect Games

So we've seen the new things from E3, and there were three major pieces of hardware unveiled - Microsoft's Kinect, Nintendo's 3DS, and Sony's Playstation Move. I've been a huge fan since Natal was announced the year before, and Milo was really interesting to me, and seems like a friend that won't talk shit about you behind your back or create rumors to make you look bad to the rest of your friends. So I am obviously looking forward to Kinect the most. So here's a few ideas I've been coming up with that we may not have seen too much of that Kinect could make even more fun.


1. Katamari Damacy Kinect
Several people said they'd love to see this on the Wii, and I'm sure the idea will come up again with the Move. But to stand and actually curve your hands and make the rolling motions with Kinect could be a lot more fun. In turn, as you change your motions, which the camera would better distinguish than with the Wii Remote or Move controller, you could turn easily, or slam your hands forward to send a charge dash forward. Jumping could cause the Prince to either perform the 360 jump to face the other direction, or could even enable a jump feature. Kinect could change how the quirky series is done, and make it new again.

2. Real Time Strategy Games
RTS games do NOT work on consoles. And when it's tried, it either fails, or is changed so much that it can't even relate to a PC counterpart. Even if it works, or if it's even good, the genre on console is so despised that it's rarely given a chance. With Kinect, though, you could drag a single finger over an area to select multiple units, and use your entire hand to move the map. The mic could pick up your command of "Attack!", and then you could point at the opposing target or targets. Even if it's a long shot, it can't be any worse than how the genre looks now.

3. Microgames Collection
While "Microgames" would likely NOT be in a Microsoft title, the idea is still very neat. It could work like the Survival mode in WarioWare: Smooth Moves - several players take turns playing out mini-games that only last a few seconds. And it can't be made by some chump company! That's why all the other Mario Party and WarioWare style knock-off games fail and die off.

4. Music Games (Not Dance)
No, I do not wanna play Rock Band without the instruments, and no, I do not want another Wii Music. But Sony (and likely Nintendo) have this huge anti-Kinect thought process of "air gaming is stupid." Honestly, if I want to play a game like Donkey Konga and want my friends to play, I should've have to shell out $30 per person for the peripherals. Donkey Konga was an additional $90 if you wanted to play with three of your friends. Sure, some games' peripherals make it fun (and honestly, I still don't know how I feel about driving games without a wheel), but I don't wanna pay for a bunch of peripherals for a game that my friends may or may not like.

5. Naruto
Also a long shot, this could be fun. Likely a "rail shooter" due to what may be limited movement with the Kinect camera (unless a running motion would allow you to move in the direction you were looking), the possibilities for a Kinect Naruto title are there. You can wave one hand over the other to form Naruto's Rasengan attack, or lower your hand to perform Sasuke's or Kakashi's Chidori/Lightning Blade attack. Also, you could actually learn the different hand symbols the characters perform to do your jutsu attacks as well. If done right, it could be a very good title.

6. Dodgeball
While it could work a lot like Ricochet (the famous Kinect demo using your body to deflect balls at a wall), a Dodgeball game would be an amazing use of the technology. Being able to control where you throw by where you're looking, or move about with little motions in your home, you could take a team of four or eight, or hell, even twelve, and pit them against another team for some crazy online dodgeball romp that won't destroy anything in the house. And when you're eliminated, perhaps you can sit on the sideline to cheer your team on, or even throw the ball at the other team from the sidelines to help.


That's just a few ideas I've come up with. What do you guys think? Let us know in the comment field below!

Epic Fail: Cheetahmen II

It's been a while since an update, and there's a few reasons for it. One could be that I have a job since this site doesn't make me any money - you can change this by following along, joining our twitter and facebook sites, and checking out our sponsors. Another reason could be that I've enjoyed a bit too much of the Starcraft II beta. The third reason may be that I've been meeting up with my other two editors and none of us can figure out what exactly they'll be doing as their next article or if they'd be doing a group article. Regardless, I've put forth a lot of time torturing myself over this article for your enjoyment.


Active Enterprises was pretty well known for "a game" they put out in 1991 known as "Action 52." At $199, it was a steal - 52 games on one cartridge? That's almost $4 a game.

However, for anyone stupid enough to shell out the money, they'd realize the games were horrible, miserable turds and that $4 a piece was far too much money. The company banked on one title to really help their success - Cheetahmen, game number 52 on their epic failure. The game was released with a comic, and had intended for sequels, lunch boxes, even its own tv show spin off. The project, obviously, was a flop, but in 1996, a sequel was discovered in a warehouse, with 1,500 copies sitting aside waiting to be discovered...


So, is it "Cheetahmen II" or "Cheetah Men II"?

Cheetahmen II was then sold in 1997 off the market, and the game was discovered to be one of the worst games ever made. The games difficulty and glitches are practically legendary due to horrible programming, making the game seem as though it was never completed. Check below for the plot, and then I'll go through my personal experiences on this game.


Yep. That's the story.

So, the first thing I notice is that not only were the horrible controls transferred over from Action 52, but the music is as well. Your Cheetahman also does not make any sound upon jumping, and has a crossbow to defend himself. Walking up to my first enemy is either an invisible man or an unfinished enemy. Killing him brings me to my next enemy, a bird flying too high to shoot without jumping, meaning you need to nail a jump and shot off in order to kill him. Getting hit takes away one of the player's six hits, with no recovery items to be found.

Next, we come across a dog. Crouch to shoot him, and... wait, there's no crouch? How do I kill the dog?! You don't. You jump over him. And then jump over the worms. And jump over the bug-looking aardvark things. Meaning, if a bird's not flying too low, the only enemies in this level you can kill are birds and the invisible men. Fan-fucking-tastic. Sometimes, enemies are put in places where you have no choice but to run into them it seems, and other times two may come at you where if you avoid one, you'll hit the other. And there's no invincibility frames after a hit, like in Mario or Sonic. If you get hit back to back within a second by two enemies, you lose two hits.


"Invisible?" Really?

At one point in the level, I found some blocks to help me jump over and avoid the ground level enemies, which is convenient. I move across them to higher blocks, and upon jumping off the last one, I die in mid air. I DIED IN MID AIR, FOR NO REASON. JUMPING TOO FAR WILL CAUSE A CHEETAHMAN TO EXPLODE IN MID AIR. GODDAMMIT!! Believe it or not, this is JUST the first level. If you somehow manage to survive all of this, you come to level two.

The second level changes a bit. The invisible dude is replaced by tornadoes and the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. There is no other way to describe it. Suddenly, jumping makes a noise, but didn't in level one. Furthermore, many of the ground enemies return, and now pace back and forth to further haunt you. What a bunch of dicks.


THIS fucking this is scary.

Getting to the end of the level brings you to Dr. Morbis, who should've been the final boss. He's an impressive boss, though - he runs from left to right. That's it. He just runs. He can kill you by touching you, sure, but jumping over him and shooting him is too easy to lose to this boss. Pathetic.


The evil Dr. Morbis is your first boss...?

Level three sticks you with a big piece of shit of a Cheetahman. He's huge, yet has incredibly short range with his punch-and-kick-at-the-same-time combo. What makes him not a worthless fuck is that he can attack ground enemies, including some weird shrew thing that attacks now, as well as air enemies, like this weird ass UFO thing that attacks. The best part of Hercules the fat fuck Cheetahman is that he freezes in mid air when he attacks. While he's frozen, the game recgonizes him as being on the ground again, and allows him to jump, meaning you can jump-attack through the air across the levels and see little to no action. Jumping too high will cause him to go through the top of the screen to the bottom, in some instances trapping you and causing you to die. If there's a floor blocking the bottom of the screen, you die when you hit the top of the screen. What the fuck? Also, the death noise in levels two and beyond are different in tone from the first level. Goddammit.


Breaking news: Man-cheetah hybrids can fly! More at eleven.

So I'm jump-punch-kicking my way through the levels, which I forgot to mention end at points that look like the middle of levels - you may see blocks or enemies past the end of level area, making it confusing to know when you're almost done. I get to the end of level four and reach the Ape Man, "the strongest sub-human yet." He wiggles in a seizure-like manner, and if he touches you it's instant death. Due to Hercules' T-Rex punches, I cannot kill Ape Man. However, I've seen footage after you kill him - that's it. It's the end. Hercules is stuck by himself to wander the boss area for eternity. Fuck the last Cheetahman, he's apparently too big of a piece of shit to warrant him a level. That's it, four levels. What a pile of cunts!

So, I've heard that sometimes, the game will glitch upon starting it up and start you at level five to play as the last Cheetahman. But I've never seen it. I haven't gotten it to happen. So until I see it, I'm going to believe it's a mystery and a myth, that this unfinished pile of shit ends at level four. There's only two good parts about this game... The music, and the fan base.


The "last" boss - Ape Man

The fan base for this game is almost too intense. Some like it "for the lulz," while others legit like this game. Some people have talked themselves into liking the game to find it playable. I have no disrespect for these people - I talked myself into liking it as well until I played it, and pretty much for only one reason: the music.

While there's one song as a title theme, and another song as the game theme, the songs are actually very good. It sucks to hear them in game, because firing the bow or killing an enemy literally stops the music. But they are entertaining tunes, and they've gained a cult following. Even OC Remix has a few mixes up, and The Adventures of Duane and BrandO released an amazing rap over the song (though the monotone reading of the story beforehand is also entertaining). I've posted a few below for you to enjoy:


The original song


やたらかっこいいチーターマン２ BGM Very cool Cheetahmen music


Phoenix Wright = Cheetahmen II


チーターマンテクノ(90's Techno Remix)


CHEETAHMEN II by The Adventures Of Duane & BrandO
Check out the official Duane and BrandO YouTube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAdventuresOfDnB,
and their official site at http://www.duane-and-brando.com/

Sure, the music is great, but everything else about this game, and Active Enterprises, is epic fail.

EPIC FAIL: Wii Music

It's 2006. The Nintendo Revolution has just been renamed the "Wii." E3 has been buzzing about new information on Nintendo's odd change in system and control style. Suddenly, the lights dim for the Nintendo conference. Video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto himself walks out on stage, holding this fancy new Nintendo Wii remote control, and turns to face a giant screen.

At this point, simplistic characters sitting around in an orchestra displayed on the projection screen start playing The Legend of Zelda theme, while the game's original creator himself waves the remote around like a baton as he leads the band playing on through. The crowd is amazed, it was one of the coolest approaches on music gaming we'd ever seen! Instead of dancing or strumming plastic guitars, we'd be instructing a band!


Yeah, Miyamoto, ROCK IT!!

Wii Music was set to be a launch title for the system, and we were hype for it. That is, until the launch came and went, leaving our Miis confused as to how they can instruct a band to play their favorite songs. We waited with little-to-no information on this title for nearly two years before it's release. And honestly, it should've been longer if it meant more time would've been put into it.

This "game," if you can even call it that, is a fucking joke. There's a shitload of instruments you can play, sure, but the desire to play them fades quickly when you realize there's no way to truly "lose" this game. Normally that's a good thing, but let's take a look at this.


Yep. This is Wii Music.

Wanna play the saxophone? Hold the controller up to your mouth vertically and wait for the song to start. Upon doing so, bob your head up and down and sometimes push buttons. Yep. You JUST learned Wii Music. No instruction manual needed. You just learned the ENTIRE GAME.

"But how will I know when to play," you ask? It's simple. You don't. You play it as fast, slow, or retarded as you want to play it. Want to make the Mario theme sound like shit? Well, you're in luck. It's incredibly easy to do.


The background should NOT be the coolest part of a game...

Which brings me to the songs. When I think of an exhilarating soundtrack, songs like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Yankee Doodle," "La Bamba," and "Happy Birthday to You" don't necessarily round out my wishlist in any way. IN ANY WAY. So they decide to add some "popular" songs to the mix as well. Including songs by The Marvelettes, Kyu Sakamoto, and Charlene. Wait, kids don't know who these people are!! Are you aiming for the child demographic with "Frère Jacques", or the adult demographic with "The Police" and "Earth, Wind, and Fire?" Make up your fucking mind!

So then we get to the point the gamers would enjoy. Playing video game music! So what if there's 22 traditional and folk songs, there's a whopping Video Game setlist of... seven. Seven songs from other video games. And two of them are from Animal Crossing, one's from Wii Sports, and one's from Wii Music. Fuck me, are you serious?! That means there's one Mario theme, one Zelda theme, and one F-Zero theme. Goddammit, what a pile of shit! We saw Miyamoto playing the Zelda theme two years before, and we have to substitute fun music for the likes of "Wham!," "Madonna," and TWO Christmas songs?! Fucking get rid of the French and Mexican folk songs, I don't wanna play "La Cucaracha" on my fake xylophone or steel drums, I wanna play songs from Mario, Zelda, Pokemon, Metroid, fuck, anything except for the shit they included on the disc!


What a cool concept you could've been...

And the instruments are awful. I mean, there's some cool ones, like the different drums, the harmonica, the different guitars and basses and things like that... But then there's the obscure ones. Why would I dress my Mii up in a dog or cat suit and have them bark or meow out the song I want to hear? Why are "Fist Fighter" and "Cheerleader" considered instruments? Who the fuck wants to play "Daydream Believer" using hand bells or clapping or using a toy piano?! This game is just shit.

Why were we shown what could've been an awesome and interesting music game, only to have it taken away for the filth inside the Wii Music case? Why did such a promising title for the Wii fail so hard? It's an absolute shame to see what can happen to things that hold such promise.

Thoughts: Music Games

Kick! Punch! It's all in... yeah, you all know it already...

I've been a huge fan of music games in general, probably as far back as PaRappa or Bust-A-Groove, if not earlier. It seems as though people forget there are music games that don't require a plastic instrument or a dancing pad these days. But I'll go over a shitload of music games, including my favorites, as well as a few that don't deserve an honorable mention.

Let's start with some of the earlier games. PaRappa the Rapper looked horrible. Models that were literally more 2D than 2D, paper thin animals and weird people danced and moved around. The plot was fairly dumb - impress a sunflower chick into liking you by doing stupid mundane tasks like learning karate or baking a cake. How did one of the worst ideas ever become a success? Because the game was executed wonderfully, was a blast to play, and had great music that was the real star of the game (except maybe PaRappa himself). The same graphics and ideas were introduced in its two sequels, PaRappa the Rapper 2 and Um Jammer Lammy, the latter of which is one of my favorite music games of all time. You play as a girl who instead of raps plays guitar to get through her musical situations.


Back then, games could actually be fun without looking good!

It's a formula that I wish still existed today. Graphics and idea shouldn't matter if the game is enjoyable. Another example is Bust-A-Groove and its sequel. Known as "Bust A Move: Dance & Rhythm Action" in Japan, this little known music game by Enix focused on fourth beats. You'd be given directions to input, and had to input them all before the fourth beat, where you'd normally have to press X or O to complete. The game was like a hybrid music/fighting game, in which you had to dance better than your opponent.

The game had a few changes that needed to be made, though - one male ganguro character looked more like a "blackface" and was changed to a white man in order to avoid controversy. Likewise, a song included brand names McDonald's and Burger King, which were removed, and two songs had "the N word" in them, which also were edited. Many songs in the games were also changed from Japanese to English. Regardless of all the changes made, the music was still pretty good, and the games are not cheap on the secondary market by any means. I think two of my favorite songs in these games were Heat's "2 Bad" in BAG1, and Strike's "Here Comes Trouble" in BAG2.


Yeah, that thing creeps the fuck out of me.

There are many other music games out there, but let's move onward to one of the games that changed my life: Dance Dance Revolution. Sure, some of you guys walk through the mall and think this game looks lame. But when you lose 50 pounds in half a year without changing eating habits, or meet some of the best friends you'll ever have through it, it's more than just a doofy game. DDR is one of those things that's so big it's not just a game anymore - like World of Warcraft, or tournament gaming scenes, DDR players take it as a way of life. DDR helped to bring life back in to dying arcades, which is definitely a good thing, and ended up bringing along games that would be harder or better, such as Pump it Up and In the Groove.

Konami and Bemani would later team up with little-known company Harmonix to create Karaoke Revolution, and allow gamers that couldn't sing to think they could. Harmonix had previously worked on two other amazing games that allowed you to create music one instrument at a time, known as Frequency and Amplitude. They were each sleeper hits, and Harmonix was getting it's name out there, before it teamed with a company that was mainly known for their DDR pads to create an overnight sensation...


You say you want a revolution...

Guitar Hero was revolutionary when it came out. I mean, sure, make the argument that Bemani did it first with Guitar Freaks all you want, but we know you'll leave out the part where most of the music is fairly bad compared to the classic and modern rock GH gave us, or forget the part where the guitar controller was thick necked, awkward to hold, and only included three buttons. After playing both, it's no wonder why Guitar Hero made it so big over here. That, and Konami is TERRIBLE about doing their music games justice in the states. I'm looking at you, US beatmania and Pop'n Music on Wii... But Guitar Hero was amazing in letting people simulate playing a real guitar, which would then spiral frat boys and posers into a rage because they can play real guitar, and by that I mean they can play "Smoke on the Water" and the intro to "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Guitar Hero II came out and it was just as much fun, if not more so. Sure, each game has those songs no one likes to play, but the number of good ones always outnumbered the bad. The next year would come and Guitar Hero III would be out, now coming out annually - the problem with III, though, was that it didn't have enough good music, and it's like the designers tried to intentionally make it WAY too hard. I like to 100% my achievements. I am not, however, going to dedicate days or weeks of my life trying to pass Through the Fire and the Flames on Expert. III was the mark in which the GH faithful separated from the pack, leaving those that just wanted to enjoy a music game behind. This only lasted for a month or so, though.


And thus the argument over who was stuck as a bassist begun...

Harmonix had left the GH brand and worked with Mtv Games to create Rock Band. We now had Guitar Hero mixed with Karaoke Revolution, and was bringing over Drummania that Konami had also been stupid not to localize, and the full living room plastic band was created. Rock Band was even more revolutionary, not just in having four players rock out, but due to it's nonstop weekly release of DLC, giving players a vast choice of songs to update their library. It's about this time that shit starts hitting the fan in music game land.

Activision, teamed with Red octane for the "Hero" brand, made 25 music games last year. That's right, twenty-fucking-five. Music gaming has gone overboard, cluttering our closets with plastic instruments galore... There's been a recent announcement confirming Guitar Hero 6, a second DJ Hero, and we've seen or know of Guitar Hero World Tour, Guitar Hero 5, Guitar Hero On Tour, Guitar Hero Smash Hits, Guitar Hero Rocks the 80's, Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Guitar Hero Metallica, Guitar Hero Van Halen, Guitar Hero On Tour Decades, Guitar Hero On Tour Modern Hits, Band Hero, DJ Hero, Rock Band 2, The Beatles Rock Band, Lego Rock Band, Green Day Rock Band, Rock Band 3, Scratch: The Ultimate DJ, Rock Revolution, Rock Band Unplugged, Rock Band AC/DC Live, Singstar Pop, Singstar Abba, Singstar Rocks, Singstar Queen, Singstar Party, Singstar 80's, Singstar Legends, Singstar 90's, Singstar Amped, Singstar Pop Vol. 2, Singstar Country, Singstar Motown, Singstar Latino, Donkey Konga, Donkey Konga 2, Karaoke Revolution 2, Karaoke Revolution 3, Karaoke Revolution Party, Karaoke Revolution American Idol, Karaoke Revolution American Idol Encore, Karaoke Revolution American Idol Encore 2, Karaoke Revolution Country, Taiko Drum Master, Samba de Amigo, Para Para Paradise... the numbers of music games are mind blowing. And these aren't all of them, most of these are just games that include separate peripherals or instruments in order to play them! There needs to be a serious change soon, because this is ridiculous.


Oh look, next year's Guitar Hero controller!

Now, not all music games are bad, and not all of the games above mentioned are bad. There's plenty of good games that don't require extra equipment to play that I haven't even mentioned. There's Gitaroo Man, Elite Beat Agents, Rhythm Heaven, Rez, Space Channel 5, Korg DS-10 Synthesizer, Daigasso! Band Brothers, the Mtv Music Generator games... There's a lot of ways to enjoy music without having to drop a bundle of cash on a bundle of instruments, and many of the above listed are fantastic. But I've gotten ahead of myself, named way too many games for me to even begin to get into all of them... I do want to point out, though, that music games can also be VERY, VERY BAD.


Oh, God, no...

And I'll prove it to you tomorrow with our first Epic Fail: Wii Music.

Top Ten: Worst Conversation Situations While Gaming Online

We've all been there. Playing Modern Warfare, Halo, Team Fortress 2, hell, even Guitar Hero and Burnout Paradise, going online, and hearing the gutteral filth that spews out over your headset as you play. It's practically sickening, and even worse if you get caught up in it. I don't know about you guys, but I wanna go online to enjoy playing a video game, not argue over nonsensical bullshit. So let's give it up for the Top Ten things I could live without hearing online for the rest of my life.


I swear they're not talking about you, buddy...

10. Racial Arguments
Racial slurs should be unacceptable. We should get rid of them completely. By that, I don't mean each race is allowed to call themselves by that name, I mean entirely. Not to prevent someone from being offended - fuck that. They should be completely erased from human memory to prevent arguments and debates from people.

Now it's wrong for the words to be used, but they're going to get used. Especially online, behind a controller or keyboard where no one can hurt the offensive party. I do NOT wanna hear a black guy cuss out a white guy for using a word the black guy uses regularly and start a serious debate about it. I do NOT wanna hear an Italian man get pissed off at the use of the word "guido" and start ranting about it. I do NOT wanna hear a white person get offended because a bunch of people keep calling him a "crazy white crackuh" that will eventually have him resort to using "the N word," in which case a scenario already mentioned repeats itself. Besides, online, you're all voices heard over a microphone, there is no color. We're all people, fuck color, because I just wanna throw a grenade at you and wait for you to respawn before I put a bullet in your virtual head.


"Yeah, bitch! I showed you! I'mma destroy you all night, faggot!"

9. Talk of Skill
So you got a lucky sticky bomb kill, big deal. Stop hyping yourself up like you're going for the WWE Champsionship title next week. This is even WORSE if the person talking a big game ISN'T EVEN WINNING. Unless you're a regularly winning MLG player, which very most likely you are NOT, you are not impressive to anyone. I'm not saying congradulating yourself on a kill is bad, but claiming to be the best person playing or that the opponent had no chance of winning is absurd.

Besides, your verbal trolling will not only spur on everyone else to talk mad shit about their own skills, but will have everyone aiming at you. The only thing worse than this is when you go from third to last, and then make up excuses on why you lost. Just shut the fuck up to save us the trouble of having to go mute you.


This is how all these arguments should be handled. Game Fusion.

8. Game vs. Game
If you believe that Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is better than Street Fighter 4, PLEASE don't go online in Street Fighter 4 and voice your opinion about it. I guaran-goddamn-tee you they don't care, nor do they wanna hear you tell them about it. So you like Mario Kart more than Blur. If you like it so much, STOP PLAYING BLUR AND GO BACK TO PLAYING MARIO KART!

You are being a fucking troll. Stop it. No one likes you. So what if the controls are better in one game than another? If you like the controls of the other game, why the fuck would you being playing the "worse" of the two in order to tell people about it? Stop being a fucking douchebag.


I fucking HATE this topic...

7. Console vs. Console
This is one of my least favorite arguments of all time, and you'll see a Rant about the Console Wars soon enough. So you're trying out Resistance 2 online, and it feels great. I mean, not better than how Halo feels on the 360, but yeah, it feels great. Also, it's not great enough to tell everyone playing Resistance why their opinion on getting a PS3 sucks if they ever wanna play a decent shooter. Wait, what? Who the fuck cares if the PS3 controller has a better d-pad for fighters than the 360 version? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING THE 360 VERSION THEN?!!

There's the rare instance in which you MIGHT have a point. One such example would be mentioning the PC version of Team Fortress 2 is better than the console versions, for the simple fact that it gets updated and patched regularly, and unlockable weapons and hats along with new levels have been introduced. But when mentioning this, flaming all the "360/PS3 faggots that are stuck with this shitty version" is NOT necessary.


"Ugh, but all my other games are soooo far away...

6. Rather Be Elsewhere
"Man, I'd rather be playing Rock Band right now instead of this shit..." Then stop playing Lost Planet and start playing Rock Band, asshat. This once again falls under the category of "if you hate it why are you playing it" stupidity. I will never understand this.

In fact, why the fuck are you talking about playing other games instead of just PLAYING the other games?! Discussing another game, its fun factor, why you enjoy it... Shit, that's fine. If you'd rather play it, go play it. We're not stopping you.


Aww, it's a shame that according to gamers everywhere you'll NEVER be good at video games...

5. Girl Gamer Hatred
Now, this one I never understood. For many of these guys, it may be the one of the only chances they'll ever get to having a woman willingly talk to them. And yet, they do nothing but talk shit, either about girl gaming skills, about how ugly gaming girls are, or about how they belong in the kitchen. Sure, the last one's good for a few chuckles (except to feminists... bitches), but after twenty minutes, the "make me a sandwich, bitch" joke gets REALLY fucking old.

I think of all the girls I've known to really be into gaming, maybe one or two of them have been downright ugly. Sure, that sounds mean, but the point is that hot girls that play video games are hotter than regular hot girls. As for skill, MLG came through this area a few years back, and the Frag Dolls decided to stop by a local Gears of War tournament in a game store before their Halo matches the following day. They decimated everyone in the tourney, and a team of two of them ended up winning. But it's ok, you can talk big shit to gaming girls all you want. Doesn't change the fact you're sleeping alone again night after night.


Cat, stop playing your music while you play video games!

4. Online Night Club
Let me tell some of these kids something... You are not a DJ. Therefore, we do NOT want to hear whatever music you are listening to. If you would like to be a DJ, play some beatmania IIDX or some DJ Hero. Do not play the Halo Reach beta with a soundtrack the entire game can hear. Invest in some headphones.

What's worse, is when you have to hear a bunch of assholes trying to scream overtop of the guy playing music for him to shut it off. If you REALLY need to communicate with teammates, mute his ass. It's bad enough I have to hear his music, but you yelling at him over it for ten minutes doesn't make anything better, because you know he's not going to turn it off.


"How did he know what I look like?!

3. Assumption of Appearance
I can understand there being a dispute online. I can understand there can be insults online. But I'd like to make it perfectly clear right now - I'm a bit overweight, I have straight teeth, I am not sloppy, and I live in a house. If you don't have a New York accent while you play games, you are apparently an inbred redneck hick, living in a trailer, with crooked fucking buckteeth, beer belly, and sleep with a relative or farm animal.

Now, I don't really have a southern accent, much less a deep southern or Texan accent that would make one believe any of the above could possibly be true. But because someone doesn't have a stereotypical dialect of a certain country, race, or other stereotype like nerds or valley girls, you apparently get officially labeled as a white, American, redneck, worthless piece of shit. You don't know me, let's keep the insults to skill level and kill totals, please.


He's OBVIOUSLY not a democrat...

2. Political Debates
So this didn't seem to be that big of an issue during the Bush Administration, because it seemed most of the country equally hated him, especially amongst the younger gaming generation. But since the election, all you hear about is political debates, and it doesn't belong in video games. Just because you HAVE the freedom of speech doesn't mean you should always USE it.

Some people think Obama has brought change to our struggling nation. Some people think he's done absolutely nothing to help our country since getting into office. Some people want Sarah Palin to make her way back into the political scene. Some people would rather see her get eaten alive by a polar bear. Some people think Hillary is proving her worth in the White House. Some would rather see her publicly executed and have her head driven on a pike to be displayed to everyone passing by the D.C. area. Keep it to your fucking self, because I really just wanna play video games, not listen to two chumps that think they know anything about politics bicker with each other.


Where are your parents?! Get outta my game!!

1. Children
Yep, that grating sound of a ten-year-old's voice rings in at number one. And if it's not enough that they repeat themselves over and over and over to ensure everyone heard them, they get REALLY defensive at the first sign of an insult. This is when they show off their intense sixth grade vocabulary of "faggot," "mother fucker," and "shit face."

Sure, I can understand hearing them at 8:00pm while the babysitter isn't paying attention to them. But why should I hear a kid at 2:00am on a school night talking about someone sucking dicks as a job over an insult? Go the fuck to bed, kid! You have school tomorrow!!