Rant: The Red Ring of Death

There's not too much I can say on this topic: everyone that's truly into gaming know about this issue, especially XBox 360 owners. Three blinking red lights, known as the Red Ring of Death, signifies the end of Microsoft's second console's lifespan. This sight is like seeing a hospitalized love one flatline right before your eyes.

I got my XBox 360 before they were released - that's right, that Mountain Dew contest in 2005? I won a 360 and received it about four days before the general public. Playing Kameo and Need for Speed: Most Wanted was a blast, and due to my time with the console, I've really grown attached to it. Which is why I was confused when I first saw the video game equivalent of a tombstone one day.


A description of the error lights

It happened four months or so after getting the console, meaning the console was no longer under the company's original 90-day warranty. However this must have been a recurring problem even before the media went wild with it, because the customer service representative I spoke with lied during the registration of my console to allow me to still receive the warranty. I have had no issues with customer service since.

About a week passes and I get my second XBox. I'm playing it and just over a a year and a half passes when Peter Moore announced a three-year warranty and promptly leaves Microsoft. Douche move, sure, but it really helps out this Red Ring of Death issue. By this time, no one has still really figured out the cause, but stories ran rampant - overheating, cores breaking down, insides melting - and the stories to manually repair them were just as absurd, such as taking off the cover and leaving the circuitry in the freezer overnight.

Nearly three years in and I get my second Red Ring. This time, there's so many call-ins that I'm told it may be two months before I get my console back, but they're still very friendly to me about the issue. Thankfully it was only three or four weeks without my console, which once again is earlier than the expected arrival time. I've been on XBox number three now since. Until the day before Alan Wake's release. I'VE GOT ANOTHER MOTHER FUCKING RED RING OF DEATH BRICK OF A CONSOLE.


Achievement unlocked. ...THREE TIMES.

When it happened, I thought to myself that it wouldn't be a big deal. I had gone through this process twice. So upon calling Microsoft's tech support and customer service hotline, I'm greeted with a message stating if you have the Red Ring, not to bother calling. Instead, I need to consult the website. Fantastic; I understand the online way is easier and they only have so many agents to take care of issues, and that this cuts down on holding periods, but it doesn't make it any less of a pain to the customer to have to navigate the website.

So I move onward to the website, where I find the tech support instructions for the Red Ring. I'm walked through several steps that I've not only tried in the past with actual people on the phone, but have remembered and done myself before going through the site's instructions. Normally, these steps don't work anyways. Finally, after it's all said and done, I'm told I need to login with my Windows Live ID. This hotmail or msn email address I got JUST to get an XBox Live account is long gone, and I have no idea how to login in order to request a repair kit. So, in the end, I'm left to call XBox's support crew anyway.

I call them and they offer to perform the repair request. Thankful of the ever polite XBox crew, sour news suddenly struck my ears as I'm told that my three-year warranty is no longer valid, as it expired last year. My warranty apparently didn't roll over through the other consoles. What a pile of shit! I remained polite, however, as I understand this man is just doing his job.

So I feel as though I'm at a dilemma. Do I stick it out and shell out some money to repair or replace my XBox 360? I AM really stoked about Natal, which seems much cooler than the Playstation Move, but I risk getting another Red Ring, which is the most frustrating console issue I've personally experienced.


The other option

The other option is to scrap the idea of another 360 and shell out the money for a Playstation 3. While expensive and with not nearly as many titles that I'm interested as the 360, it does have some exclusives that I've REALLY wanted to try, mainly ModNation Racers, but also including LittleBigPlanet, Uncharted, Disgaea 3, and more. The free online is also an added bonus, which is better than having to pay for an internet service that I can not use until I get a new console. Very. Upset.

So what do you think? Do I stick with the XBox 360 and Natal? Or do I finally convince myself to get the Playstation 3 and it's Blu-Ray drive? Give opinions without the console wars, and let me know what you think!

Epic Fail: Cheetahmen II

It's been a while since an update, and there's a few reasons for it. One could be that I have a job since this site doesn't make me any money - you can change this by following along, joining our twitter and facebook sites, and checking out our sponsors. Another reason could be that I've enjoyed a bit too much of the Starcraft II beta. The third reason may be that I've been meeting up with my other two editors and none of us can figure out what exactly they'll be doing as their next article or if they'd be doing a group article. Regardless, I've put forth a lot of time torturing myself over this article for your enjoyment.


Active Enterprises was pretty well known for "a game" they put out in 1991 known as "Action 52." At $199, it was a steal - 52 games on one cartridge? That's almost $4 a game.

However, for anyone stupid enough to shell out the money, they'd realize the games were horrible, miserable turds and that $4 a piece was far too much money. The company banked on one title to really help their success - Cheetahmen, game number 52 on their epic failure. The game was released with a comic, and had intended for sequels, lunch boxes, even its own tv show spin off. The project, obviously, was a flop, but in 1996, a sequel was discovered in a warehouse, with 1,500 copies sitting aside waiting to be discovered...


So, is it "Cheetahmen II" or "Cheetah Men II"?

Cheetahmen II was then sold in 1997 off the market, and the game was discovered to be one of the worst games ever made. The games difficulty and glitches are practically legendary due to horrible programming, making the game seem as though it was never completed. Check below for the plot, and then I'll go through my personal experiences on this game.


Yep. That's the story.

So, the first thing I notice is that not only were the horrible controls transferred over from Action 52, but the music is as well. Your Cheetahman also does not make any sound upon jumping, and has a crossbow to defend himself. Walking up to my first enemy is either an invisible man or an unfinished enemy. Killing him brings me to my next enemy, a bird flying too high to shoot without jumping, meaning you need to nail a jump and shot off in order to kill him. Getting hit takes away one of the player's six hits, with no recovery items to be found.

Next, we come across a dog. Crouch to shoot him, and... wait, there's no crouch? How do I kill the dog?! You don't. You jump over him. And then jump over the worms. And jump over the bug-looking aardvark things. Meaning, if a bird's not flying too low, the only enemies in this level you can kill are birds and the invisible men. Fan-fucking-tastic. Sometimes, enemies are put in places where you have no choice but to run into them it seems, and other times two may come at you where if you avoid one, you'll hit the other. And there's no invincibility frames after a hit, like in Mario or Sonic. If you get hit back to back within a second by two enemies, you lose two hits.


"Invisible?" Really?

At one point in the level, I found some blocks to help me jump over and avoid the ground level enemies, which is convenient. I move across them to higher blocks, and upon jumping off the last one, I die in mid air. I DIED IN MID AIR, FOR NO REASON. JUMPING TOO FAR WILL CAUSE A CHEETAHMAN TO EXPLODE IN MID AIR. GODDAMMIT!! Believe it or not, this is JUST the first level. If you somehow manage to survive all of this, you come to level two.

The second level changes a bit. The invisible dude is replaced by tornadoes and the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. There is no other way to describe it. Suddenly, jumping makes a noise, but didn't in level one. Furthermore, many of the ground enemies return, and now pace back and forth to further haunt you. What a bunch of dicks.


THIS fucking this is scary.

Getting to the end of the level brings you to Dr. Morbis, who should've been the final boss. He's an impressive boss, though - he runs from left to right. That's it. He just runs. He can kill you by touching you, sure, but jumping over him and shooting him is too easy to lose to this boss. Pathetic.


The evil Dr. Morbis is your first boss...?

Level three sticks you with a big piece of shit of a Cheetahman. He's huge, yet has incredibly short range with his punch-and-kick-at-the-same-time combo. What makes him not a worthless fuck is that he can attack ground enemies, including some weird shrew thing that attacks now, as well as air enemies, like this weird ass UFO thing that attacks. The best part of Hercules the fat fuck Cheetahman is that he freezes in mid air when he attacks. While he's frozen, the game recgonizes him as being on the ground again, and allows him to jump, meaning you can jump-attack through the air across the levels and see little to no action. Jumping too high will cause him to go through the top of the screen to the bottom, in some instances trapping you and causing you to die. If there's a floor blocking the bottom of the screen, you die when you hit the top of the screen. What the fuck? Also, the death noise in levels two and beyond are different in tone from the first level. Goddammit.


Breaking news: Man-cheetah hybrids can fly! More at eleven.

So I'm jump-punch-kicking my way through the levels, which I forgot to mention end at points that look like the middle of levels - you may see blocks or enemies past the end of level area, making it confusing to know when you're almost done. I get to the end of level four and reach the Ape Man, "the strongest sub-human yet." He wiggles in a seizure-like manner, and if he touches you it's instant death. Due to Hercules' T-Rex punches, I cannot kill Ape Man. However, I've seen footage after you kill him - that's it. It's the end. Hercules is stuck by himself to wander the boss area for eternity. Fuck the last Cheetahman, he's apparently too big of a piece of shit to warrant him a level. That's it, four levels. What a pile of cunts!

So, I've heard that sometimes, the game will glitch upon starting it up and start you at level five to play as the last Cheetahman. But I've never seen it. I haven't gotten it to happen. So until I see it, I'm going to believe it's a mystery and a myth, that this unfinished pile of shit ends at level four. There's only two good parts about this game... The music, and the fan base.


The "last" boss - Ape Man

The fan base for this game is almost too intense. Some like it "for the lulz," while others legit like this game. Some people have talked themselves into liking the game to find it playable. I have no disrespect for these people - I talked myself into liking it as well until I played it, and pretty much for only one reason: the music.

While there's one song as a title theme, and another song as the game theme, the songs are actually very good. It sucks to hear them in game, because firing the bow or killing an enemy literally stops the music. But they are entertaining tunes, and they've gained a cult following. Even OC Remix has a few mixes up, and The Adventures of Duane and BrandO released an amazing rap over the song (though the monotone reading of the story beforehand is also entertaining). I've posted a few below for you to enjoy:


The original song


やたらかっこいいチーターマン２ BGM Very cool Cheetahmen music


Phoenix Wright = Cheetahmen II


チーターマンテクノ(90's Techno Remix)


CHEETAHMEN II by The Adventures Of Duane & BrandO
Check out the official Duane and BrandO YouTube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAdventuresOfDnB,
and their official site at http://www.duane-and-brando.com/

Sure, the music is great, but everything else about this game, and Active Enterprises, is epic fail.

Rants: The Console Wars

So I got into an argument yesterday that I not only should've known better than to get into, but one I didn't WANT to get into and found myself in it anyway. Upon playing the new Super Street Fighter IV, which I really enjoy, a friend played and nearly immediately dismissed it as garbage because M. Bison's moves are not completely identical to how they are in Marvel vs. Capcom 2. It began as defense for the game - convincing to try other characters, counter-arguing with valid points, and so on. The problem is, an argument cannot be handled validly with a drunk man who "knows" a ten year old game is better because of one character's moveset. The defense ended up turning into pointless insults about each other and the games we were each defending - my excuses were that he had to have assists to win his battles because he couldn't do good enough on his own, and his excuses were that my mind couldn't "comprehend" a battle with more than one person at a time. Forget the fact he can't handle TvC while I can, and that I can play Brawl teams tournament style, can play Starcraft with multiple people (which I'll do my thoughts on the Starcraft II beta when I get the chance to play it), and one of my all-time favorite games is Team Fortress 2, which can become sixteen against sixteen.

My point of this article is not to slam my friend, because honestly shit like that didn't need to be said to one another. It is also not to insult Marvel vs. Capcom 2, because the game is a fun game and I have no issues with it personally. I'm merely mentioning this because as I had this argument with this drunken friend, it only reminded me of one thing, one thing that I've hated for years more than anything else, and that I still manage to find myself stuck in constantly: the Console Wars.


I couldn't have said it better myself...
Let's start by saying that I TRY to have a non-biased opinion in the Console Wars. It's really fucking hard when you don't own all three systems, which I hope to remedy someday, but I still try. And there's NEVER a winner until a system or company completely dies off. We'll miss you, Dreamcast...

Let's get down to business though. I'll go over hacks and burns to each console that I hear the most, and not only attempt to counter point it, but further prove that these fanboy debates are completely fucking ignorant, and yet grown men STILL get into them constantly.


XBOX 360

"XBox sucks! They have so many problems, especially the Red Ring of Death!"
Many systems have issues. Sure, the RRoD is among the worst in gaming history, but it's not like this was the first time a system has ever mass malfunctioned. Look at the Playstation 2. I knew people that couldn't have theirs on the floor because they'd overheat, they'd have to elevate one side with a book or something in order for the disc to read, there were countless laser problems and disc tray problems, and then there were memory card problems that would either cause data to erase randomly or wouldn't save data at all. And then when the slim models came out, the additional power box in the first shipments would ignite and catch fire, burning up living rooms across the nation. I've yet to see an Xbox or Red Ring do that.

"I'd never get one, because they don't have (insert random franchise) on it!" or "I hate Xbox, why do they have to get (insert random title) too?! It belongs on PS3!!"
So what if XBox doesn't get Metal Gear Solid 4? There's plenty of other titles it's gotten, and plenty that weren't given to the PS3, like the first Dead Rising (though the rival console IS getting the sequel). The only worse argument is bitching about a title going from exclusive to multi-platform. Really? You're bitching because more people get to enjoy Tekken 6 or Final Fantasy XIII? Why are you fucking complaining? Because they should've shelled out extra money for the same console as you to enjoy it? Grow the fuck up!

"The 360 controller sucks!! The D-pad is atrocious!"
I understand the D-pad on the 360 is not good for fighting games. The PS3 controller is better for fighters, but the 360 controller is FAR better for shooters. Besides, most of you fighting game kids just buy the arcade stick anyway, which NO LONGER USES A D-PAD AND INSTEAD USES A JOYSTICK, WHICH THE 360 CONTROLLER HAS IN A BETTER POSITION THAN THE PS3 CONTROLLER DOES!! Fucking ignorant!


PLAYSTATION 3

"The PS3 doesn't have ANY good games on it!!"
News flash, this just in: Metal Gear Solid 4, Resistance, Killzone 2, Uncharted, and LittleBigPlanet, to name some off the top of my head, are no longer considered "good games."

"The PS3 only steals technology from (insert source)!"
This is NOTHING new. Nintendo created the N64 controller with analog stick, and then later added the Rumble Pak. Sony "stole" both ideas with the Dualshock controller, adding both features. Nintendo created a first party wireless controller using radio waves instead of infa-red, the Wavebird. Sony uses Bluetooth as its first party version of the same controller. Fuck, even shoulder buttons were used by Nintendo first. Now, the Playstation Move controller, looking like a near DIRECT version of the Wii remote, which Sony also took ideas from with the Sixaxis controller, using the tilting technology of the Wii remote. While this is nothing new, this same approach can be said of Microsoft, as the 360 controller has shoulder buttons, rumble, analog sticks, wireless capability, and will be using Project Natal for motion gaming, though the concept is much different from Nintendo and Sony.

"There's no backwards compatibility in the newer models!"
Nothing before the Playstation 2 had backwards compatibility. Stop being spoiled. While it's a luxury, it's not a necessity, and you can get a PS2 for cheap if you really need to play your PS2 and PS1 games again, even though we both know that you won't touch them again.



WII

"The Wii is for babies!"
Say that while playing MadWorld, Resident Evil 4 and Umbrella Chronicles, No More Heroes and its sequel, Dead Rising, Dead Space Extraction, and Mortal Kombat. Those are just a few M-rated titles, that's not including other gems like Tatsunoko vs. Capcom, the Metroid Prime Trilogy, Muramasa, Punch-Out, Okami, and Zelda's Twilight Princess, and that's just the beginning.

"The graphics are awful!!"
Good games aren't based on graphics alone. PaRappa the Rapper and Rhythm Heaven are a few examples. Sure, it may not look as nice as the 360 or PS3, but find a game on either system that can rival Super Mario Galaxy or Super Smash Bros Brawl in fun, nostalgic, replayable, and easily remembered and I will likely call you a liar. There are plenty of great games on all three systems, no matter how they look.

"The motion control is stupid!"
Can't really complain too much about that since the PS Move looks almost identical to a Wii Remote with a light bulb on top, and Natal will move to full body motion play. The PS3 also already had the Wii's tilting controls. It's something you're gonna have to live with, buddy.



Now, I didn't even GET into PC gamers and their elite abilities to shun the console crowd, because at times they can be even worse than console fanboys, but this is just an example of what I constantly hear, and what I get sick of not only explaining and defending, but of getting caught up in the whole mess to begin with. And it's been around for generations: PS2 vs. Cube vs. Xbox. PS1 vs. N64 vs. Saturn. SNES vs. Genesis. We've been hearing it for two decades, and sadly it's something we'll NEVER hear the end of...

War... War never changes...

Top Ten: Worst Conversation Situations While Gaming Online

We've all been there. Playing Modern Warfare, Halo, Team Fortress 2, hell, even Guitar Hero and Burnout Paradise, going online, and hearing the gutteral filth that spews out over your headset as you play. It's practically sickening, and even worse if you get caught up in it. I don't know about you guys, but I wanna go online to enjoy playing a video game, not argue over nonsensical bullshit. So let's give it up for the Top Ten things I could live without hearing online for the rest of my life.


I swear they're not talking about you, buddy...

10. Racial Arguments
Racial slurs should be unacceptable. We should get rid of them completely. By that, I don't mean each race is allowed to call themselves by that name, I mean entirely. Not to prevent someone from being offended - fuck that. They should be completely erased from human memory to prevent arguments and debates from people.

Now it's wrong for the words to be used, but they're going to get used. Especially online, behind a controller or keyboard where no one can hurt the offensive party. I do NOT wanna hear a black guy cuss out a white guy for using a word the black guy uses regularly and start a serious debate about it. I do NOT wanna hear an Italian man get pissed off at the use of the word "guido" and start ranting about it. I do NOT wanna hear a white person get offended because a bunch of people keep calling him a "crazy white crackuh" that will eventually have him resort to using "the N word," in which case a scenario already mentioned repeats itself. Besides, online, you're all voices heard over a microphone, there is no color. We're all people, fuck color, because I just wanna throw a grenade at you and wait for you to respawn before I put a bullet in your virtual head.


"Yeah, bitch! I showed you! I'mma destroy you all night, faggot!"

9. Talk of Skill
So you got a lucky sticky bomb kill, big deal. Stop hyping yourself up like you're going for the WWE Champsionship title next week. This is even WORSE if the person talking a big game ISN'T EVEN WINNING. Unless you're a regularly winning MLG player, which very most likely you are NOT, you are not impressive to anyone. I'm not saying congradulating yourself on a kill is bad, but claiming to be the best person playing or that the opponent had no chance of winning is absurd.

Besides, your verbal trolling will not only spur on everyone else to talk mad shit about their own skills, but will have everyone aiming at you. The only thing worse than this is when you go from third to last, and then make up excuses on why you lost. Just shut the fuck up to save us the trouble of having to go mute you.


This is how all these arguments should be handled. Game Fusion.

8. Game vs. Game
If you believe that Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is better than Street Fighter 4, PLEASE don't go online in Street Fighter 4 and voice your opinion about it. I guaran-goddamn-tee you they don't care, nor do they wanna hear you tell them about it. So you like Mario Kart more than Blur. If you like it so much, STOP PLAYING BLUR AND GO BACK TO PLAYING MARIO KART!

You are being a fucking troll. Stop it. No one likes you. So what if the controls are better in one game than another? If you like the controls of the other game, why the fuck would you being playing the "worse" of the two in order to tell people about it? Stop being a fucking douchebag.


I fucking HATE this topic...

7. Console vs. Console
This is one of my least favorite arguments of all time, and you'll see a Rant about the Console Wars soon enough. So you're trying out Resistance 2 online, and it feels great. I mean, not better than how Halo feels on the 360, but yeah, it feels great. Also, it's not great enough to tell everyone playing Resistance why their opinion on getting a PS3 sucks if they ever wanna play a decent shooter. Wait, what? Who the fuck cares if the PS3 controller has a better d-pad for fighters than the 360 version? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING THE 360 VERSION THEN?!!

There's the rare instance in which you MIGHT have a point. One such example would be mentioning the PC version of Team Fortress 2 is better than the console versions, for the simple fact that it gets updated and patched regularly, and unlockable weapons and hats along with new levels have been introduced. But when mentioning this, flaming all the "360/PS3 faggots that are stuck with this shitty version" is NOT necessary.


"Ugh, but all my other games are soooo far away...

6. Rather Be Elsewhere
"Man, I'd rather be playing Rock Band right now instead of this shit..." Then stop playing Lost Planet and start playing Rock Band, asshat. This once again falls under the category of "if you hate it why are you playing it" stupidity. I will never understand this.

In fact, why the fuck are you talking about playing other games instead of just PLAYING the other games?! Discussing another game, its fun factor, why you enjoy it... Shit, that's fine. If you'd rather play it, go play it. We're not stopping you.


Aww, it's a shame that according to gamers everywhere you'll NEVER be good at video games...

5. Girl Gamer Hatred
Now, this one I never understood. For many of these guys, it may be the one of the only chances they'll ever get to having a woman willingly talk to them. And yet, they do nothing but talk shit, either about girl gaming skills, about how ugly gaming girls are, or about how they belong in the kitchen. Sure, the last one's good for a few chuckles (except to feminists... bitches), but after twenty minutes, the "make me a sandwich, bitch" joke gets REALLY fucking old.

I think of all the girls I've known to really be into gaming, maybe one or two of them have been downright ugly. Sure, that sounds mean, but the point is that hot girls that play video games are hotter than regular hot girls. As for skill, MLG came through this area a few years back, and the Frag Dolls decided to stop by a local Gears of War tournament in a game store before their Halo matches the following day. They decimated everyone in the tourney, and a team of two of them ended up winning. But it's ok, you can talk big shit to gaming girls all you want. Doesn't change the fact you're sleeping alone again night after night.


Cat, stop playing your music while you play video games!

4. Online Night Club
Let me tell some of these kids something... You are not a DJ. Therefore, we do NOT want to hear whatever music you are listening to. If you would like to be a DJ, play some beatmania IIDX or some DJ Hero. Do not play the Halo Reach beta with a soundtrack the entire game can hear. Invest in some headphones.

What's worse, is when you have to hear a bunch of assholes trying to scream overtop of the guy playing music for him to shut it off. If you REALLY need to communicate with teammates, mute his ass. It's bad enough I have to hear his music, but you yelling at him over it for ten minutes doesn't make anything better, because you know he's not going to turn it off.


"How did he know what I look like?!

3. Assumption of Appearance
I can understand there being a dispute online. I can understand there can be insults online. But I'd like to make it perfectly clear right now - I'm a bit overweight, I have straight teeth, I am not sloppy, and I live in a house. If you don't have a New York accent while you play games, you are apparently an inbred redneck hick, living in a trailer, with crooked fucking buckteeth, beer belly, and sleep with a relative or farm animal.

Now, I don't really have a southern accent, much less a deep southern or Texan accent that would make one believe any of the above could possibly be true. But because someone doesn't have a stereotypical dialect of a certain country, race, or other stereotype like nerds or valley girls, you apparently get officially labeled as a white, American, redneck, worthless piece of shit. You don't know me, let's keep the insults to skill level and kill totals, please.


He's OBVIOUSLY not a democrat...

2. Political Debates
So this didn't seem to be that big of an issue during the Bush Administration, because it seemed most of the country equally hated him, especially amongst the younger gaming generation. But since the election, all you hear about is political debates, and it doesn't belong in video games. Just because you HAVE the freedom of speech doesn't mean you should always USE it.

Some people think Obama has brought change to our struggling nation. Some people think he's done absolutely nothing to help our country since getting into office. Some people want Sarah Palin to make her way back into the political scene. Some people would rather see her get eaten alive by a polar bear. Some people think Hillary is proving her worth in the White House. Some would rather see her publicly executed and have her head driven on a pike to be displayed to everyone passing by the D.C. area. Keep it to your fucking self, because I really just wanna play video games, not listen to two chumps that think they know anything about politics bicker with each other.


Where are your parents?! Get outta my game!!

1. Children
Yep, that grating sound of a ten-year-old's voice rings in at number one. And if it's not enough that they repeat themselves over and over and over to ensure everyone heard them, they get REALLY defensive at the first sign of an insult. This is when they show off their intense sixth grade vocabulary of "faggot," "mother fucker," and "shit face."

Sure, I can understand hearing them at 8:00pm while the babysitter isn't paying attention to them. But why should I hear a kid at 2:00am on a school night talking about someone sucking dicks as a job over an insult? Go the fuck to bed, kid! You have school tomorrow!!