It's 2006. The Nintendo Revolution has just been renamed the "Wii." E3 has been buzzing about new information on Nintendo's odd change in system and control style. Suddenly, the lights dim for the Nintendo conference. Video game legend Shigeru Miyamoto himself walks out on stage, holding this fancy new Nintendo Wii remote control, and turns to face a giant screen.
At this point, simplistic characters sitting around in an orchestra displayed on the projection screen start playing The Legend of Zelda theme, while the game's original creator himself waves the remote around like a baton as he leads the band playing on through. The crowd is amazed, it was one of the coolest approaches on music gaming we'd ever seen! Instead of dancing or strumming plastic guitars, we'd be instructing a band!
Wii Music was set to be a launch title for the system, and we were hype for it. That is, until the launch came and went, leaving our Miis confused as to how they can instruct a band to play their favorite songs. We waited with little-to-no information on this title for nearly two years before it's release. And honestly, it should've been longer if it meant more time would've been put into it.
This "game," if you can even call it that, is a fucking joke. There's a shitload of instruments you can play, sure, but the desire to play them fades quickly when you realize there's no way to truly "lose" this game. Normally that's a good thing, but let's take a look at this.
Wanna play the saxophone? Hold the controller up to your mouth vertically and wait for the song to start. Upon doing so, bob your head up and down and sometimes push buttons. Yep. You JUST learned Wii Music. No instruction manual needed. You just learned the ENTIRE GAME.
"But how will I know when to play," you ask? It's simple. You don't. You play it as fast, slow, or retarded as you want to play it. Want to make the Mario theme sound like shit? Well, you're in luck. It's incredibly easy to do.
Which brings me to the songs. When I think of an exhilarating soundtrack, songs like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Yankee Doodle," "La Bamba," and "Happy Birthday to You" don't necessarily round out my wishlist in any way. IN ANY WAY. So they decide to add some "popular" songs to the mix as well. Including songs by The Marvelettes, Kyu Sakamoto, and Charlene. Wait, kids don't know who these people are!! Are you aiming for the child demographic with "Frère Jacques", or the adult demographic with "The Police" and "Earth, Wind, and Fire?" Make up your fucking mind!
So then we get to the point the gamers would enjoy. Playing video game music! So what if there's 22 traditional and folk songs, there's a whopping Video Game setlist of... seven. Seven songs from other video games. And two of them are from Animal Crossing, one's from Wii Sports, and one's from Wii Music. Fuck me, are you serious?! That means there's one Mario theme, one Zelda theme, and one F-Zero theme. Goddammit, what a pile of shit! We saw Miyamoto playing the Zelda theme two years before, and we have to substitute fun music for the likes of "Wham!," "Madonna," and TWO Christmas songs?! Fucking get rid of the French and Mexican folk songs, I don't wanna play "La Cucaracha" on my fake xylophone or steel drums, I wanna play songs from Mario, Zelda, Pokemon, Metroid, fuck, anything except for the shit they included on the disc!
And the instruments are awful. I mean, there's some cool ones, like the different drums, the harmonica, the different guitars and basses and things like that... But then there's the obscure ones. Why would I dress my Mii up in a dog or cat suit and have them bark or meow out the song I want to hear? Why are "Fist Fighter" and "Cheerleader" considered instruments? Who the fuck wants to play "Daydream Believer" using hand bells or clapping or using a toy piano?! This game is just shit.
Why were we shown what could've been an awesome and interesting music game, only to have it taken away for the filth inside the Wii Music case? Why did such a promising title for the Wii fail so hard? It's an absolute shame to see what can happen to things that hold such promise.
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